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19 December 2013 @ 02:22 am
wow, i should probably stop saying i'm back because then i don't update for months  
♫ I'm really bad at this updating regularly thing. I don't know why. I have a lot of feels and frustrations, and I like to get them out of my system, but maybe it's because I've been talking to real people more? Hmm, okay, I suppose that's an improvement, but I also feel bad that I'm not very good at keeping up with LJ and the people on it anymore. I got behind on my flist a while back and never managed to catch up.

♫ It's hard to believe sophomore fall is over. In another semester, I'll be halfway through college. I have to declare next semester, by before spring break. This is so frightening for me.

♫ This was such a weird semester. It was just so different from last year, which I suppose is normal because every semester will be different and I don't exactly have a lot to compare it to. Last year was unusual all on its own. There was the first semester of college, which is just CRAZY in itself, and then second semester was largely consumed by KDPhi pledge so it was just a weird semester of me being angry a lot and complaining about how much life sucked despite not really doing anything outside of schoolwork and pledge. (And realizing how lazy but controlling I am, which is just SO ME to be so many contradictions.)

♫ Being a sophomore was awesome because I got to live on West, which is about fifty bajillion times more convenient, and I also have an awesome huge room and I live with some of my closest friends at Duke and it's awesome. So that was great. Schoolwork was pretty good. But then things got really weird personally/friends-wise? We had really awesome plans to go out and have a good time because fall is when all the open parties are, but that ended up not really happening because the parties weren't nearly as exciting as they used to be (probably because we weren't freshmen anymore, and they're all freshmen-oriented parties) and then all the personal life stuff went down.

♫ So for my former roommate turned blockmate Emily got a boyfriend about a month and a half into the semester. He lived down the hall from us, which I thought was pretty hilarious and weird. They were introduced by Emily's friend from her summer study abroad in Ghana. I was super happy for her because they were incredibly cute together and Emily would tell us (her roommate Eileen, my roommate Nicole, and myself) about the two of them and THEY ARE LIKE A MOVIE COUPLE SERIOUSLY.

♫ But then it started getting weird, because I would go over to their room to say hi and she would never be there, or she would be just leaving to go hang out with Jason (her boyfriend) and his friends. And I don't begrudge her having friends, except I kind of do? Obviously, with friends and a boyfriend there's always a balancing act, but I think it was just really, incredibly unfortunate timing that she got a boyfriend right when I was feeling lonely and friendless and started clinging to my friends more. I also started PMSing really badly like I never had before, like the week or so before my period I would just be incredibly, unreasonably sad whenever I had a moment alone where I wasn't occupied. It was really depressing.

♫ It was really annoying because I didn't want to upset her by bringing it up, plus I didn't exactly have the opportunity to because she was always hanging out with her boyfriend and his friends. But when we did hang out she would talk about how she was worried about grades but SO HAPPY with how her life was friends-wise, and I would always nod along and agree but be incredibly upset inside. I talked briefly about feeling upset and unfulfilled in my friends with my roommate Nicole, but how do you tell your friend that you feel like you have no friends?

♫ Anyways, right as I was feeling extra frustrated and confused, the thing with The Boy happened, and that basically took over my life (or at least occupied a very large part of it) from Fall Break until the end of the semester. I started talking to my friends more, but it was mostly about things related to The Boy, which makes me feel like my life doesn't pass the Bechdel Test.

♫ So since I never really updated on the situation with The Boy, I will now. After we hooked up over Fall Break, we hooked up again about a week after and then kind of started hanging out, studying, and occasionally hooking up. I asked him to be my date for my sorority's charity gala but that was basically a friends thing, though we did have a kind of weird talk where I was like, "This isn't weird that I'm asking you to be my date to something, is it?" I still wasn't exactly infatuated with him or anything, but I enjoyed spending time with him, I liked talking and hanging out and stuff. Then one day we were hanging out and he asked where things were going and I was like, "Let's talk about this when I don't have to leave for class in 10 minutes." So we did talk (and by talk I mean we didn't really talk because we're both shit at feelings and were like "Uh, how does one talk about this?") and agreed we were sort of dating but we weren't going to go official with it. So we continued hanging out alone and with friends and things seemed to be okay.

♫ Since we'd come to the agreement that we were sort-of-maybe dating, I figured I'd give it a couple weeks and then talk again. I originally wanted to talk before Thanksgiving, but he got sick and I had a midterm the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, so that didn't happen. We talked a lot over the break though, almost every day, and I thought things were going pretty well. Like, I sent him a snapchat of my fuzzy socks and he sent back, "I miss you." And we discovered we went to the same camp at Northwestern one summer, though we most likely attended different sessions (when I asked him how he was sure we didn't just miss each other, he said "I would have remembered you."). These conversations made me really giddy and also kind of afraid that I wasn't being affectionate enough? Sure, I didn't feel like I was ~in love~ or anything but I did really, really like talking to him and just being around him. But it seemed like he was actually saying more of the feelings-related things first and being more affectionate, both verbally and physically. Of course, part of me also irrationally worried that he was saying that to get into my pants, but he didn't seem like the kind of person to plan like that given that his first girlfriend was the summer before college, and he was generally a little awkward and shy.

♫ After break, we hung out some more and I continued to think things were going pretty well. We hung out twice, had dinner together once, and then went on a date? We went to breakfast and I thought it was nice. I figured then we really needed to talk because it was right before finals and leaving this unresolved over winter break would be a really bad idea. Since I kept missing him for a couple days for various reasons, I sent him a text directly asking to talk and he agreed.

♫ Basically, he said he didn't think he'd have time next semester (his schedule does suck - three lab sciences and an independent study). When I asked if having time would change anything, he said he wasn't sure all the feelings were there. He did apologize several times for having lead me on, which I appreciated.

♫ Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed. I wasn't heartbroken or upset since we weren't really dating and I wasn't in love with him or anything, but I just felt like I'd been led to believe that things were going pretty well, and then they abruptly weren't. We should have been more clear about our feelings since the beginning, but he isn't exactly the most emotionally expressive person in general, so I kind of just rolled with it? And I wasn't sure where I stood emotionally, so I felt like putting him on the spot about it wasn't fair either.

♫ I also felt pretty stupid for having hoped that things would work out and then having them not work out. Plus, I was just kind of disappointed to have this thing taken away from me. As much as my self-esteem does not depend on what guys think of me, it's NICE to have a guy think you're attractive and tell you that. Also, all those times that he told me he thought I was cute, that he was attracted to me when we first met, that he liked hanging out with me, that he missed me, they all just confused me some more. I felt like him having said those things was a reasonable basis for me to think that this whole thing was going in a positive direction, but part of me couldn't help but doubt that I'd been reading into things. And then another part of me was criticizing myself for feeling stupid because I didn't owe him anything and I didn't need no man, so I also felt like I set the feminist movement back 50 years.

♫ So I talked to most of my close friends about it, including one of The Boy and I's mutual guy friends (David) who was one of the first people to find out when we first hooked up over Fall Break. Not only had he and I gotten pretty close just from random conversations and stuff but I also really wanted a male perspective on the whole thing. David wasn't too helpful since he was running on 2 hours of sleep when I talked to him. He did say that he happened to ask The Boy how I was doing the day before we (The Boy and I) talked and The Boy mentioned that he was planning on ending things, his reasoning being "wanting to keep his options open." That just kind of made me throw my hands up and despair at men in general. It's such a nineteen-year-old boy thing to say/feel.

♫ In hindsight, I don't think I was ready for a relationship, and neither was The Boy. He wouldn't exactly have been stellar boyfriend material (not that he had deep character flaws, he just needed to work on not being SO INCREDIBLY laid-back as to be totally passive), but I did really enjoy hanging out with him, which is why (coupled with the various complimentary, positive, flirty things he said to me) I thought things seemed to be going in a relationship-ish direction, and which is why I was so annoyed when he was suddenly like, "Yeah, no." Maybe if we'd been clearer about our not-sure-all-the-feelings-are-there feelings in the beginning, I'd have been less annoyed.

♫ ...And this thing about this semester has just been taken over by The Boy. God. My life. So dramatic. Granted, it was a big part of the entire second half of this semester, so it make sense. But still.

♫ It's weird now, though. I haven't really talked to him since that day, except when we were both studying in a room with a bunch of other mutual friends. It's odd after talking to him so frequently. I used to get on Facebook and see if he was online, and it took me a couple days to stop doing that. Even now when I see he's online I'm like "Oooh!" even though I shouldn't be. I want winter break to use winter break to get some space and focus on other things, but I also don't want to completely drop off contact with him? I'd like us to still be friendly, if not friends. Plus, he's gonna be in two of my classes AND he lives down the hall, so he isn't exactly avoidable. There've been a couple funny things I've seen online that I would have sent him before, and I don't know if I should. Well, I know I should probably hold off for now, but I want to be able to do that again at some point? Just send him something I think he would find funny.

tl;dr Kathy can't help begrudging her friends their happiness because she is selfish, and the weird thing with The Boy continues but ends right before winter break.

♫ So that's been my semester. A weird one, for sure. Next semester I will be a lot busier, so I think I'll be focusing on schoolwork and extracurriculars (my sorority will be taking a new class, my theatre group is trying to do its first full production, and I've been shanghai'd into tenting for the Duke vs UNC game). Hopefully I'll get to spend more time with friends too. We'll see. But still, part of me can't help continuing to want a boyfriend, to want that kind of person in my life even though I know I won't really have time for it (I was pretty stressed out trying to make time to hang out with The Boy this semester anyways).

♫ A cool thing: I am going to Shanghai from Jan 3 - 15! School actually starts on the 8th, so I'm missing the first week of school (such a rebel, I know), but Duke is paying for me and another girl in my grade to attend the Shanghai Theatre Academy's Winter Institute. I'm really excited because THEATRE STUFF, YAY. :D I don't get to take a theatre class next semester, so getting to do some theatre stuff in Shanghai will be awesome. Making up the classes may not go so well, but ah well, my GPA can handle it.
feeling: indescribableindescribable
Breyzy and Yin Girl: Breyzy: sometimes we get hurt easilybreyzyyin on December 19th, 2013 03:50 pm (UTC)
Awww, don't feel bad about not keeping up with LJ and everything! We all understand. ♥

~I think most of us have moments when we're not feeling great and we kind of get borderline annoyed or upset that our friends are not feeling the same way...not so much because we're selfish necessarily, but just because it is nice to have someone you can talk to who might understand where you're coming from (a friend in a good mood who suddenly doesn't have a lot of time to talk because of a boyfriend and all probably isn't going to be the best person to talk to about feeling lonely just because it isn't in their own personal perspective ATM). It is kind of a catch-22: you're happy for your friend, but at the same time kind of unhappy for yourself. :/

~I'm sorry things with The Boy turned out that way! It really just seems like he wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now...and it is a shame that he didn't make that more clear while things we're starting out. Hopefully things will settle more for you during winter break. It seems like what you both might need now is space, but hopefully you'll be able to get back to the point where you can send him funny things again in the future and everything. *hugs*

~Good luck with next semester! ♥

~Oh, how exciting! Have fun in Shanghai! ♥
Danikoyaaniisqatsi on December 21st, 2013 11:24 am (UTC)
Boys are stupid. That's all I can say. Because they really fucking are.